JW May 12, 2015 Scott Keith

Marriage is the New Electric Slide

We all have that dance at one point we really enjoyed, but now just want to forget. For me, it was the Electric Slide. I was good at. It was fun while it lasted. I sometimes will still do it when nobody is looking, but no longer will I plan my Friday nights around it. The sad fact is that the Electric Slide is just passé. Yeah, occasionally you’ll find people that are still “in-to-it,” but being “in-to-it” is certainly not the norm anymore.

This week, The Telegraph, a newspaper in the UK, reported that by 2016 most children in the UK would be born out of wedlock. “The proportion of children born to unmarried mothers hit a record 47.5 percent last year, according to the Office for National Statistics. The figure has risen from 25 percent in 1988 and just 11 percent in 1979. If the trend continues at the current rate, the majority of children will be born to parents who are not married by 2016.”

The state of affairs is not much better here. U.S. marriage rates have attained new lows. In 1970 about 74 marriages occurred annually for every 1,000 unmarried women. By 2012, the marriage rate had declined by nearly 60%, dropping to 31 marriages per 1,000 unmarried women.

The descent in marriage rates for millennials is even more pronounced. In 1960, a little over two-thirds (68%) of all those in their twenties were married. According to the Pew Research Center, in 2008, just 26% were married. Today an unprecedented fraction of millennials will remain unmarried through age 40. An Urban Institute report predicted that the marriage rate might drop to 70%. This is a number, which is well below rates for Baby Boomers (91%), late Baby Boomers (87%), and even the Punk Rock Gen-Xers (82%).

The reality that fewer and fewer millennials choose to marry is also a reflection of modern social attitudes that reject the institution of marriage as antiquated and outdated, much like the Electric Slide. I have heard time and time again that it is time to embrace new ideas about romance and family—and to acknowledge the end of traditional marriage as society’s highest ideal.

The culture of narcissism in which we live has devalued togetherness and sacrifice and elevated an odd type of independence and selfishness. It’s not that the goal is to be “independent.” No, on the contrary, this is an independence, which desires dependence on parents, organizations, and structures, yet wishes to remain from being depended upon.

Liberty to pursue one’s own desires, free from the burden of another’s demands, opinions, or encumbrances seem to be the goal. But is this really true freedom or liberty? What does it mean to be free and how is that freedom provided? I’m sure there are many answers to these important questions, and I would not presume to say that I know what they all are. But, I can say that I don’t think the turn away from marriage is a choice made in freedom, but rather one made in fear.

Young adults today are afraid that they will never be truly happy. They are afraid that they will never find Mr. of Mrs. “right.” They are afraid that if they marry, their marriage will fail. They fear that the other person will get in the way of their life plans. They are afraid that they won’t have enough money to throw the giant ridiculous party that we call a wedding. Most are afraid that they are just not ready because they have not ticked as many items off of their bucket list as they would prefer.

And thus, restraint becomes the key to understanding the fear of marriage, I think. Restraint is the key because true freedom is lost. Fear is the norm because hope is nowhere to be found. Love is replaced with a false ideal of romance because true love requires sacrifice and the risk of love lost. When fear determines one’s every move, then fear grips the heart so that it cannot reach out to the other, nor does it desire to.

Our inclination is always to return to the law; it is in our nature. It is literally written on our hearts.

As Paul writes in Romans 2, “They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them.” The accusations of the law are paralyzing, that is literally the intent of the law to convict, restrain, and accuse.

Yet, because our culture seems so libertine we believe that the law does not bind it, but it does. It is not freedom that drives this disregard of morality, especially in sexual and relationship matters. Rather it is the lack of connection to the other that only comes when one is set free to truly love. But instead, we continually demand that the law, or at least our sense of it, free us.

If freedom is what is desired, and I think it is, it is only the proclamation of the Gospel of Christ that will produce this freedom. Christ lays waste to the slavery of the law. He literally breaks the chains that bind us. The Gospel bursts in and removes our selfish notions of love and replaces it with a love that is based on the fact that Christ first loved us. It is when Christ sets us free from the burden of the requirement to love and serve that we actually become free to do just that.

When joining together with another saved-sinner is seen from the perspective of freedom, it gains a sense of liberty that it could have never otherwise had. No longer will fear grip the perspective bride or groom, but freedom to love. The love of Christ is that thing which originally freed us, and it is that thing which in turn frees us to love. “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

Now let’s face it, the Electric Slide was a great dance! No one does it anymore because it has fallen into cultural disapproval, much like marriage. But if we all felt free from ridicule, contempt, and the accusation of our friends, we would do the Electric Slide at every party. If young adults felt free to love and serve because they knew that Christ has set them free and that He has got everything covered, they might decide to connect again in marriage. Therefore I propose that we bring back the Electric Slide and we bring back marriage. You are free to dance, and you are free to love and serve each other in the most intimate bond imaginable. For the freedom of Christ has set you free!

9Comments

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Tim on May 12, 2015 at 8:54 pm

Marriage is the single most corrupt institution ever invented. It is nothing more than a wealth and power transfer scheme from men to women. Given that inconceivable numbers of men, over the past 40+ years, have been totally destroyed through marriage and divorce, it should be a crime, punishable by misdemeanor, to encourage men to get married.

The three books every male should read are (1) The Manipulated Man, (2) The Myth of Male Power and (3) Stand by Your Manhood.

Marriage will die a long overdue, well deserved death. Why? For the decimation it has wrought on men. Shame on anyone encouraging men to get married.

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  kirkskeptic on May 13, 2015 at 9:18 am
  
  Marriage never destroys, while divorce always does. It is awful to see so many so stuck on their rights and appetites that they can’t/won’t serve another.
  
  Marriage was ordained by God, so it can and will never fail. Divorce was tolerated and regulated by God to mitigate the evils thereof, yet He hates it nonetheless.
  
  Perhaps you could illuminate as to how you arrived at your position?
  
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    Tim on May 13, 2015 at 3:27 pm
    
    “Perhaps you could illuminate as to how you arrived at your position?”
    
    That’s easy. I don’t live life in the world of illusions and enchantments. I pay attention to the lives ruined through divorce. I’ve see the pain and life destruction of innocent people led astray by marriage the marriage promoters – both children and adults.
    
    Read the books I recommended and then come back to me and tell me I’m wrong.
    
    The three books every male should read are (1) The Manipulated Man, (2) The Myth of Male Power and (3) Stand by Your Manhood.
    
    If you can read the above books and prove that at least half of what I say is wrong – I’ll get married and have kids. Deal?
    
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    kirkskeptic on May 13, 2015 at 6:34 pm
    
    I too live in reality, and see the effects of failure to maintain marriage on many of my colleagues and coworkers – and, of course, their children. But rather than read the books you offer as proof positive of your position, I need only look my own marriage of nearly 24 years, as well as those of my family, to see what a blessing marriage can be. I pray the same for my children, as well as for you. Again, marriages don’t fail – people fail at marriage. Eschew exculpation.
    
    There’s another side, though, and that is how men have cleaned up in the sexual revolution, in which women are lead to believe that they have been “liberated” and choose to cohabit rather than marry. The man gets sex without commitment, and the woman just gets used until some shapelier and more compliant bimbette comes along. BTW the people group most represented in jails and prisons is fatherless boys of adolescent mothers.
    
    Your comments have the sort of bitter edge one expects from sad personal experience rather than mere book-larnin’, and I suspect there is more to your story than you have chosen to tell. Perhaps you’d care to expound thereupon?
    
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James Patterson on May 13, 2015 at 12:11 am

Great article. Many say that since their parents marriage was so terrible, they vow (ironically) never to get married. Fear lays hold in many ways (I had my own fears about this when i was single).
This also reminds me of something CS Lewis wrote. He said that eros will change, and it must change. At first, it’s fireworks and floating on clouds. But reality eventually sets in and both partners need to work, sacrifice, forgive, etc. The fruit of this action, though is a deep-seeded, deeply satisfying love. This latter stage of love can’t happen without going through some trial and hardship. Many in our time expect love to be never-ending fireworks. When that doesn’t happen, the union is often abandoned. Be a Lincoln, save the union!
In the end, its not about him and her: the whole purpose of it all is raising children.

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kirkskeptic on May 13, 2015 at 9:12 am

this was a total force-fit, as marriage is given to all men – even those outside of Christendom. Many non-Christians have joyous and fruitful marriages, so I fail to see any connection between marriage and the law.

For the high numbers of those who fail at marrige – marriage never fails, only people do – note also the increase in “bowling alone” cum decrease in civic and NGO (including church) involvement, etc, and one sees a general trend in isolationistic behavior.

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  Scott Keith on May 14, 2015 at 6:41 am
  
  Of course marriage is given to all men, but not all men are in Christ or under the Gospel. The Gospel changes everything! It changes our status before the law. It changes our perception of God’s gifts. Once one is in Christ all things that––even though they may have been given for our good––are ordained or commanded by God can be done freely instead of by compulsion. This is my only point. I am a little surprised to hear that you disagree. Isn’t the idea that once we are in Christ we now serve one another freely, yet serve nonetheless? My point is simply that this service to the other is never seen more clearly than in marriage and never more free than when the betrothed approach the estate as free people in Christ willing to freely serve. Is anyone outside of Christ truly free? Indeed: “Many non-Christians have joyous and fruitful marriages.” Yet is this not a sign of outward righteousness under the law? Does this mean that their marriages and the service they perform in them are really “good works” before God? How can they be truly good if they are performed outside of Christ and how can they be free if they are not good? This is the questions, and I think the “kids” as Dr. Mallinson would say, see it more clearly than our old eyes will allow. Good comment, thanks for making me think enough to actually comment back.
  
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    kirkskeptic on May 14, 2015 at 3:38 pm
    
    Thanks for the compliment, but I guess I didn’t make myself clear. Your emphasis seems more appropriate to the “ought” of the Christian life than to the “is,” the latter being influenced by total depravity/the old man/Adamic nature. I am free to serve my wife, but even my best is still tainted with self-interest, and as such is functionally no different to the marriages of my non-Christian family, which has been signally blessed with model marriages. I’ve seen what the Reformed call “common grace” in those marriages, as well as real lack of any grace in Christian marriages; ie just because we are free doesn’t mean we act the part, just as those still under bondage can have showcase marriages despite having no berth on Peter’s Barque. Thus I find your piece, well- crafted as it is, a trifle Procrustean in the use of Law and Gospel.
    
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Scott Keith on May 14, 2015 at 5:32 pm

I believe that you usually find my distinction between Law and Gospel, as well as my emphasis on the freedom in Christ only owned by the Christian, procrustean. I do not buy into the Reformed idea of common grace. While providence is gracious, it is not grace properly (an attitude on the part of God which only applies to the Christian propter Christum). Thus only the Christian can be free, even if they don’t always act free. In this way, of course a Christian marriage can be a “bad” marriage, and a non-Christian marriage can be an outwardly “good” marriage. In God’s providence marriage is given to all as a gift. In his grace Christians are free to serve one another in marriage, and all other ways. Nonetheless, kudos on the use of procrustean.

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Marriage is the New Electric Slide

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