Disclaimer: The views and opinions presented herein are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of the DoD or its Components.

There is a plague afflicting the Church. It’s not bad preaching. It’s not weak coffee. No, it’s far worse. It’s the poco ritardando (poco rit.) – that little slowdown, that casual dragging of the tempo. A seemingly innocent nudge on the brakes from the organist that transforms a hymn into a dirge, dragging the entire congregation into liturgical quicksand.

One second, you’re standing tall, lungs full, ready to belt out “A Mighty Fortress.” The next second? Poco rit. Suddenly Luther’s battle hymn has morphed into a sleep study. We’re not storming the gates of hell anymore; we’re dragging a wooden cross up a sand dune in slow motion, wondering if the choir loft has been taken over by sloths on muscle relaxers.

Once you allow the organist to smuggle in a poco rit., the entire liturgy suddenly becomes infected with the pacing of a Gregorian funeral procession.

Kyrie? Sludgy.

Gloria? More like Glori…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Sanctus? Don’t even bother – it’s practically Sanctus Retardus.

And it never infects just one hymn. “Lift High the Cross” – meant to be a rally cry for the faithful – gets stretched so thin it becomes “Drag Low the Hymn.”

“O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” – an Advent hymn of anticipation – is slowed down so much it sounds less like waiting for Christ and more like waiting for the DMV to call your number.

Don’t even get me started on “Abide with Me,” which gets poco rit.-ed into oblivion – makes you wonder if the goal is to get Christ to abide or simply lull the congregation into a medically induced coma.

Don’t tell me it’s “artistic.” It’s not artistic. It’s torture. The only thing it expresses is the organist’s contempt for tempo and the congregation’s oxygen supply. “We’re letting the words breathe,” they say, as if hymnody were an asthmatic marathon runner wheezing for an inhaler.

No.

You’re strangling the words – making them harder to sing. You’re embalming the text before it ever escapes the people’s mouths. Turning a five-syllable line into a hostage negotiation.

Luther once said, “Music is the handmaiden of theology.” But with an overindulgence in poco rits. the handmaiden has been taken prisoner and is being forced to march in concrete shoes.

Meanwhile, I’ve seen Marines – tone-deaf, gravel-throated, musically illiterate – bellow the Marines’ Hymn with such conviction that it shakes walls, rattles ribcages, and brings tears to the eyes. Why? Because tempo drives belief.

In too many sanctuaries, we drag the hymns and slow them down until the faithful sound less like soldiers of Christ and more like a hospice choir waiting for pudding cups and a fentanyl lollipop.

Poco rits. don’t just annoy – they are theological malpractice. They gut the urgency of the Gospel. They neuter the power of the liturgy. They take the living voice of the Church and throttle it into a coma.

They kill the hymns by taking the living, pulsing, music and choke it into a coma. When tempos lag, people lag. Their voices droop. Their posture slumps. Their eyes glaze. They’re running out of oxygen!

The Word that should thunder from their mouths instead limps out like a wounded goat.

And we wonder why people say church is boring!? Newsflash: it’s boring because we’re singing every hymn as if we’re Atreyu, pulling Artax along as he sinks in the mud of the Swamp of Sadness (where my 80’s kids at?).

Here’s the secret: the Gospel is urgent. Hymns are supposed to gallop, not crawl. Liturgy should lift the congregation – heaven and earth meet in the Divine Service – not bog them down in quicksand. Stop dragging. Stop adding poco rit. where poco rit. doesn’t belong. Play the blasted tempo. Drive it forward. Keep the beat moving like it means something – because it does!

So, here’s the new rule. The only poco rit. allowed in the Divine Service is the Amen of the Benediction.

That’s it.

Period.

Full stop.

Every other poco rit. is nothing but a sanctified speed bump. You’re not heightening worship – you’re hijacking it. You’re not leading praise – you’re holding it hostage.

To every organist, cantor, choir director, or piano-warrior out there: Repent.

Enough with the molasses. Enough with the hostage-taking poco rits. Enough with acting like tempo is optional. You are not Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel – you are the metronome for the Body of Christ. Keep the beat. Drive it forward. Play it like you believe the words you’re accompanying.

If my Marines can sing cadence on a 12-mile ruck, if Lutherans can hoist a pint and roar drinking songs without missing a beat, then God’s people can and must sing the liturgy like they mean it.

But they need the tempo to give them a fighting chance.

Otherwise, Luther was right again when he said, “When natural music is sharpened and polished by art, then one begins to see with amazement the great and perfect wisdom of God in His wonderful work of music.”

But you – with your slow drags and pious poco rits. – you’re not sharpening music. You’re dulling it. You’re not leading worship. You’re suffocating it.

So let me be crystal clear: kill the poco rits.

Kill them with fire.

The Gospel isn’t slow. The Church isn’t slow. Christ didn’t rise from the dead in 4/4 time with a poco rit. at the end of every stanza. He kicked the stone away with power, with urgency, with life.

Play it that way.

Sing it that way.

Believe it that way.

Tempo isn’t optional. It’s salvation with a beat.

For additional assistance:

Appendix A: The Field Manual Against Ritardando (FM 95: Hymn Tempo Discipline)

Section 1. Enemy Identification

-Ritardando (n.): A slow-down in tempo.

-Poco Ritard/ Poco Rit. (n.): A microscopic but deadly slow-down, most often deployed by organists under the delusion that they are auditioning for Carnegie Hall.

Section 2. Effects on the Congregation

-Converts hymns into sleep studies.

-Turns victory marches into funeral dirges.

-Causes Lutherans to sing softer than Episcopalians (an unforgivable disgrace).

-Leads children to conclude that the Church is boring, thus handing them directly to the devil.

Section 3. Rules of Engagement

-Tempo must be steady, firm, and militant.

-Prohibited: random ritardandos, dramatic pauses, dragging the end of EVERY verse into a hostage situation.

-Permitted: a slight poco rit. only at the Benediction’s “Amen.” That is the ENTIRE allowance.

Section 4. Corrective Action

-If an organist deploys an unauthorized ritardando, pastor should call for an immediate ceasefire.

-First offense: stern glare.

-Second offense: confiscation of organ shoes.

-Third offense: must hold body in plank position – one minute for each poco rit. offense committed during the service.

Section 5. Final Warning

The Church does not march to your moods. She sings the Word of God in strength, in clarity, in tempo. Keep the hymns moving. The devil flees from the Word sung in confidence – not from a ritardando dragged across the sanctuary floor like a corpse.

Failure to comply will be treated as liturgical treason.