By Joel Hess

Each year the nations are in an uproar as the Oscars approach – ‘Who was snubbed?’  What great artist was overlooked when they passed out the ‘you are a great artist’ ham sandwiches? Oh, the persecution these Van Goghs must endure.

AHHHHHH!  We have all been snubbed!  The Oscars and Golden Globes and all Hollywood reward shows annually snub YOU because they really are not for you at all!  These shows are a self congratulatory group therapy sessions for people pretending to be real people pretending to be people.  They literally don’t know when they are playing a character or not, which is probably why many of them can’t stay married. How can you have a relationship with someone who is regularly pretending to be in love with someone else? Anyone whose wife weekly makes out with another man – real or unreal – is a cuckold.  Well, they probably like that I suppose.

The ‘awards’ are arbitrary pieces of metal handed out by a Kafkaesque ‘academy’. ‘Academy!?’ Just because you say the word does not mean it is so!  Is it like the Institute of Hand Lotions which recommends Jergens every year? Who is in the academy? Well, I believe it is the same people who win the awards. Do they look at all the films made that year? Obviously not.  They seem to have as much a scope of artistic palette as the Grammy people.

David Lynch’s ‘Mulholland Drive’ and Ben Stiller’s ‘Tropic thunder’ brilliantly mocked their industry.  I especially enjoyed Robert Downey Jr.’s character who revealed that the secret to winning a best actor award is by playing a handicap person, but not too handicap. A quick survey of the history of awards reveals this formula! Seriously who could not act as ‘rain man?’

Why do people watch these silly shows? Surely it is a sign of our demise as such an unmanly and dishonorable profession takes up so much of our attention. We have always had actors, but they never got this much press!  They were frequently poor.  I personally am all for starving artists. They were not considered ‘artists.’ The real hero and contributor to culture was the playwright and/or director!  She is the artist.  The actor is a monkey.  Especially today as technological manipulation contributes to the believability of a scene far more than the actor’s grooming.  Today it is about who fits the suit! Props to Greg Brady who stood up, well he pretended to stand up, to the music industry. The director will do the rest of the magic. Sure, Jack Nicholson is awesome. But Jack Nicholson is just being Jack Nicholson. You could film him for a day and call it a wrap.  

I love reality T.V.! Ok, not really, but I love how Hollywood looks down their noses at it.  They are scared – or they are pretending to be scared…or pretending to not be scared. Reality T.V. demonstrates that actors are dime a dozen and we are just as thrilled watching Honey Boo Boo as we are watching someone acting as Honey Boo Boo.  Sorry oh great Madame Hollywood, you are our Honey Boo Boo! You are a monkey with an accordion; a pig with lipstick.  We don’t have award shows for zoo animals, so why actors!?

Don’t get me wrong, I have high esteem for  film, theater and even some T.V. series.  Rumors are swirling about a Twin Peaks continuation! Many of these should be classified as works of art equal to Picasso or Wagner! However, adoring these vain psychopaths (seriously, one has to suffer deep psychological malfunctions to regularly pretend to be someone else.) we trespass against the number one commandment – you shall not worship the characters but the creator of the characters!  I love Dickens, not Pip.

In the end, save your adoration, your respect and applause for real people who change the world, namely Jesus Christ!

Next up – Comedians! Here’s some money, make me laugh.