So Putin, a bearded lady and Jesus walk into a bar…

By Joel Hess


Well you can exhale! They have announced the winner of the 2014  Eurovision song contest; Conchita Wurst! Are you shocked, surprised, mad, happy!?

Ahh, the drama, the intrigue, the bold risqué performance!  So many fake fingernails fileting faux leather recliners!

Conchita who?

Oh, you don’t know what I’m talking about? You weren’t up every night with bated clichéd breath and Nutella in your lap?

Europop is a common theme for comedy skits in America. Now to be fair, Sweden has been enjoying some relevancy on my hotly sought after Spotify play list. Also, the UK doesn’t really count because they ain’t on the continent.  But, overall, Europop deserves American parody.

So how do you top off what looks like a Saturday night live movie spinoff most years? Why you declare the winner is a bearded trans something!  Ahh, what a scandal! How progressive! Pushing boundaries!

“For me, my dream came true,” Wurst told reporters after the contest. “But for society it showed me that people want to move on, to look to the future. We said something, we made a statement.”

Yawn…  Seriously! Are drag queens shocking anymore?  The future?  Isn’t it the past? like boring rocky horror picture show past? And hello – Boy George! He had a sort of beard thing.  You see, it’s boring when you talk about it. And since when is sexual perversion new to rock n roll.  It’s the basis of rock n roll!  Not that I am in anyway categorizing Eurovision music as rock n roll.


Meanwhile as Europe applauds themselves for tolerance, declining offspring, extinction, saving the environment (for the muslims who will enjoy it in the future after they are gone), and ‘rebelling’ against the church, they shall soon not exist.  Thank God!  They have become boring, like the last season of Dowton Abbey – boring.  Watch out America you are next.

And who played the evil Gargamel in this smurfy sexploit.  Seriously I should win a Eurovision for that line.  Russia.  Yes, they don’t like porn or gay propaganda on their T.V.  Now that’s crazy! Not bearded ladies! Putin should win the award;  talk about pushing the envelope! Someone actually disagrees with the establishment.


“Let’s change the world and make it a little bit better,” Rene Berto, Wurst’s manager, said. “Conchita always says: ‘Wish for the moon and you’ll reach at least the stars,’ but now we just landed on the moon. Let’s change our way of thinking — Conchita is just a woman with a beard.”

Funny, the Nazis always talked about the future too; changing culture, making the world clean, clean, cleaner.   Hitler was just a man with a funny mustache.

During this whole bearded melonomic melodrama, real change is threatening Europe as Putin comes closer to growing his little empire-in a Napoleon sort of fashion.  America pretends to be concerned.  Republicans criticize Obama for not doing enough to protect our friends; playing Chamberlain to Putin’s Hitler.

But really, to be honest, why not let Putin have it? I jest, well…

Come Lord Jesus! now that’s a revolution!