By Bob Hiller –
This Sunday friends and family will come together for one of this country’s grandest spectacles: the Super Bowl! Football fan or not, chances are you will be attending a Super Bowl party this Sunday. As with any party, there are rules of etiquette one must be aware of when attending a Super Bowl party. Though a Super Bowl party may not be the classiest party you attend all year, there are still rules one ought to abide by in order not to ruin the party for everyone else. As a reader of The Jagged Word, I do not want you to attend one of these parties and make yourself look bad (especially if you are sporting one of our sweet t-shirts). I want to see you succeed! In an effort to help, I humbly submit to you Bob’s Jagged Guide to Super Bowl Party Etiquette.
Rule #1: Don’t pretend to know more than you do. Don’t be the guy who shows up shooting his mouth off about these teams in order to sound tough/smart. Every Super Bowl party I attend has the guy who, in order to look like the expert, waxes on about this player or that coach. The thing is, his first exposure to either team came from sports talk on the drive to the party. We aren’t impressed, buddy. You will know you are dealing with someone who is out of his league if one of the following phrases is uttered: “Oh, Tom Brady is overrated,” “Seattle is lucky to be here,” “I’ve never heard of Gronkowski before,” “Seattle is all class,” “New England offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels is a genius,” “No way the Patriots cheated.” Yes, keep all such comments to yourself.* You will make it much further if you just stay in your lane.
*Perhaps you are a person who does not know a ton about football or either of the teams, but you still love to talk sports. You don’t want to feel left out but aren’t sure how to strike up a conversation. Here are some helpful conversation starters that are sure to impress the football fans in the room:
-“Boy, that Josh McDaniels sure looks like a tool, right?”
-“What do you think about the way Marshawn Lynch deals with the media? Pretty ballsy, eh?”
-After Tom Brady gets sacked or picked off, it is appropriate to make fun of his pretty hair and reference the consolation he’ll receive from his super model wife Giselle in their house which has a moat around it. Seriously.
-“Ugh, Josh McDaniels is such a tool.”
-“Does Seattle have one of the top five defenses of all time? Who is better? I think we can all agree they have the most obnoxious defense of all time, right?”
-“Better quarterback: Brady or Manning? Brady or Montana? Elway or the Angel Gabriel?
-“Where will Belichick be after Brady retires? Will he find another guy who lacks integrity enough to help him cheat?”
-“Do you think God actually loves Russell Wilson and the Seahawks more than Aaron Rogers and the Packers?”
-“Don’t you want to just fight McDaniels? Idiot. Why hasn’t anyone investigated him for deflating balls?”
Rule #2: Don’t put down football fans or sports in general. I get it, many who will be at a party this week don’t like sports. And, you think people who do have a lower IQ. First, the party you are at is centered around sports; deal with it. Second, far from being a game for knuckleheads, football is like chess game on steroids with at least 22 variables in each play. Each player has to be ready to react to any number of moves from every other player on the field. They are to be both thinking the exact same thoughts as their teammates and coaches as well as out-thinking the team on the other side of the ball. All the while they are exerting ridiculous feats of athleticism and strength while concussed. And that is all on one 15 second play. Oh, it is beautiful thing, football! So don’t try to put down the guys who love the game just because you think your ignorance somehow makes you superior. When the fans start getting worked up, don’t be the guy who says, “Ugh, sports are so dumb.” No, that comment is dumb. Get me another beer.
Rule #3: Don’t be commercial only guy. The worst kind of Super Bowl party is the one where everyone gets quiet for commercials. Despite all the fanfare, American Idol concerts, and half-time show clothing “accidents,” this day is actually about football. If you’re that into commercials, wait for the game to end and watch them on YouTube. Commercial breaks are for bitching about refs and debating the idiocy of that clown, Josh McDaniels.
Rule #4: This isn’t social hour. If you are there for a social gathering and not for the game, that is great. More power to you. Just go to another room to talk. Seriously, we are trying to watch football. (Pretty sure my wife won’t be happy I wrote that one…)
Rule #5: Find way$ to enjoy the game. If you have no rooting interest for either team, or no interest in the game at all, you can still enjoy watching. Simply put together a betting pool. Have everyone throw a few bucks in a hat and place bets on certain events in the game. For example: Will Richard Sherman have +/- three interceptions in the first half? If you bet the over (+) and Sherman gets four, you get $5. For extra fun, place prop bets. These are bets based on things that don’t directly affect the game’s outcome. You could bet on how many seconds it will take for the FCC to pull Katy Perry’s half time performance, or how many tearsTom Brady cries on camera, or how many hugs Pete Carroll will give the cheerleaders AND ball boys. If you have a problem with this tiny bit of gambling…well…grab me another beer, would ya?
Lastly, drink cheap, cold beer, eat copious amounts of unhealthy food, yell at the refs, get worked up over nothing, and laugh with (and at) your friends. This is a day for serious fun. So relax! If you just follow these simple rules you will fit right in at this Sunday’s Super Bowl party. You’re welcome.
My Picks: New England 17, Seattle 24 (Don’t take that to Vegas, I’ve been wrong a lot lately…)