5. Do They Know It’s Christmas? by Band Aid. I really hate to say it. It had all of the greatest musicians and songwriters of the 80s! Bob Geldof of the The Boomtown Rats gave the world so many fantastic and meaningful songs such as “I don’t like Mondays.” Bono and U2 were offering their best work before it turned saccharine. Duran Duran, Paul Weller of the Jam, Midge Ure. Heck, David Bowie gave a message. What could go wrong? The tune is absolutely fantastic and I stayed up late to hear it on my favorite college radio station, back in the day. But the words supply the epitome of what we now call being “woke”. They are ignorant, lacking in self awareness, lacking in a knowledge of culture or even geography, condescending to those they pretend to want to help. They could easily have been written by A.O.C. or most college freshmen females writing their first essay in psychology 101 with Monet’s Water Lillies hanging near Bob Marley on their “liberated” dorm wall.
“Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you; And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime; The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life, Oh; Where nothing ever grows, no rain nor rivers flow; Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?
So the lack of snow is a sure sign of despair. Tell that to my friends in Ventura. Apparently nothing ever grows….in all of Africa! Africa, they sing. So all of Africa is an absolute disaster zone. Well that may actually be true, but it isn’t because of the lack of snow, or rain, or things growing. And of course, the coup d’etat is – thank God it’s them instead of you. Well that’s the Christian spirit. That’s as ridiculous as mom convincing us to eat our asparagus because there are children starving in China. Right! We sure as hell don’t want them to have it.
4. Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas) by John Denver. The lyrics are great and real. They would make a fantastic country song by George Jones. However, it is the tune that earns the fourth worst Christmas song ever. If you were hoping for Annie’s song or Rocky Mountain High, sorry! This was probably written when he should have been paying attention to his flight instructor. Denver phoned this one in for some drinking money.
3. Sleigh Ride by Leroy Anderson. Enough said.
2. Star Wars Christmas Album. Well this is bad. But you really need to listen to it. More importantly, you must watch the Star Wars Christmas special from the 70s. It is a clear sign that cocaine was consumed as vitamins. There is a segment of a Wookiee family that lasts uncomfortably too long without English but only in strange Wookiee groans. The former head of Israel’s space department (read: throwing rockets into Lebanon) has recently said that there are aliens waiting to introduce themselves to us, but are waiting for us to be ready. This production might be why they are waiting. They think we are idiots.
It is ironic that we would take a true story and empty it of meaning in order to present a false story of a fictional hero. Why not a Star Wars Christmas? It isn’t any more ridiculous than what we have made of St. Nicholas. Does it matter?
1. Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano. I mean Band Aid made it clear that there is no Christmas if there is no snow. So what could someone from Puerto Rico tell us about Christmas? And why does he tell us that he wants to wish us a Merry Christmas from the bottom of his heart? Just do it! Perhaps this song is like Tenacious D’s brilliant “The Greatest Song in the World; a Tribute” Maybe Feliciano wrote a song that actually wishes us a merry Christmas. Hopefully it sounds better than this awful cacophony of melodramatic whining about nothing.
Or maybe I’m the fool. Perhaps Jose is commenting on the lack of bilingual education America that makes our ears deaf to his Spanish season’s greetings. He wants to wish us a merry Christmas, but alas, he cannot because we don’t understand Spanish! And his almost childlike wailing about his desire to wish us a Merry Christmas expresses his existential struggle to be true to his Puerto Rican identity. And finally, the Christmas message found in Christ brings all nations together to bow down to the little Hebrew Savior!