Son,

It is necessary in our conversation about being both a good man and being good at being a man that we speak about the role of a man’s honor. At times, honor seems like a dubious concept, each person having their own idea of what it means and how it works in a man’s life. Most men want to be honorable, but we often don’t consider much what that means. Honor is rooted firmly in you, in your choices, dedication and discipline and yet it is measured out and given weight through the interaction with others, through your tribe, your family.

A few years back, watching the movie Rob Roy, the main character sits down with his sons and speaks to them about a man’s honor. His son asks, “What is honor?” And he answers, “Honor is what no man can give you, and no man can take away. Honor is man’s gift to himself.” Now, that may not be much of a description regarding the content or shape of honor (that, in fact, is what the rest of the movie unfolds), but it is an excellent point. Honor is a gift you give yourself. It is within your control, within your ability to develop and hone. Honor, then, is found in your discipline and your choices.

Because of this, we often think that one’s honor is not caring at all about what others think about you, about your actions and convictions. You chart your course, set your tack, and remain unmoved by the input of any detractors. This we tend to define as honorable. But in fact, honor is the exact opposite. Well, perhaps not the exact opposite. While it isn’t fidelity to anyone, to the unnamed masses that clamor for your attention and devotion. Your honor is defined by your commitment to your group, your circle of people out of the masses of this world. This is an important distinction. See, we live in a time and age when your loyalty will be demanded by every cause and marginalized group under the sun. From atrocities in the Middle East to the struggles of migrant workers here at home, there are those who will judge your actions and evaluate your deeds as honorable or not, depending on how they impact their cause. But this does not make it your cause, and it shouldn’t.

However, in your life, you will find that, organically or by clear choice, you will become part of a group – an “us” distinct from “them.” This might be the friends you are growing up with; it could be a future wife and family; it may be a club, a church, or a gang to which you pledge yourself. Their judgment of you matters, and your honor is demonstrated by loyalty, leadership, and contribution to these groups. To be an honorable man is to be for your family, your friends, and your church. Your decisions and actions are for the strength of the whole and for the betterment of the group. Your honor is defined by your contribution and intention to improve others.

Honor then walks the line between selfish aims and being consumed by the cares of others. An honorable man is not after only his own glory, nor is he easily swayed by all the cries of atrocities from around the world. But for that select group, for those pulled out and set apart within his perimeter of care and concern, why they are the focus of a man’s effort. They are worth the sweat of his brow, the strength of his protection, and the compassion of his heart. It is among these that you will find your honor.

Love,

Dad