Son,

In thinking about what it means to be a man or at least what advice I might offer to help you on your way to manhood, I thought it would be beneficial to speak about friendship. I believe that a man needs a friend. More than one would be even better if such a luxury presents itself but at least one good friend will make all the difference in the world as you strive to find your place in it.

Now this probably sounds silly to you. Making and keeping friends isn’t extremely difficult at your age. You may lose one one day, yet another soon replaces them. Each is unique and offers some joy and confidence in life, yet friendship is much easier to establish when you’re young. However friendship will not be so easily found nor kept as you get older. As a man, you will have many stresses and obligations that limit your ability to truly establish a friendship. But still, a man must have a friend.

One of the main reasons for this necessity is one that I don’t think most men will speak about, perhaps not even with their friends. This isn’t because a friend won’t understand or care; the opposite is likely true. Rather, when a man is in the presence of a good friend, this need goes away. The underlying necessity of having a friend is because being a man is profoundly lonely.

To be clear, being a man doesn’t mean you will be alone. God willing you will have a family, coworkers, and acquaintances. You will find much of your identity wrapped up in the care and protection of your family, in living out your role as the head of a household. These are good things, the goals of both being good at being a man and being a good man. In them, you will find purpose and meaning. But when it comes to carrying out the tasks you will find that along with them comes mental anguish, second-guessing, worry, and fear.

You will learn what it means to press on without knowing the outcome. And while not all days are bad or the outlook bleak, there will be days when your world has come crashing down. Mistakes you’ve made will haunt you, your failure to act will terrify you. You will suspect your relationship with your children has gotten out of sync. You will have days when your expression of love for your bride will sound cluttered and empty. And you will realize that you are wearing the mask of a good man while your heart aches and your confidence crumbles beneath. You wear the mask because your family needs you to; some need your protection, your assurance that everything is okay. Some need what you provide so you continue engaging in your vocation regardless of your feelings or desires. Some just need your calm presence, not to lose hope themselves amid the storm.

And so you will be alone, alone in your head, alone in your heart.

This is when you will truly need a friend. A friend is the one who comes alongside and has no use for your mask. There is no dependency in friendship, except perhaps what is found in honesty, laughter, and trust. A friend may or may not have answers but that’s not really the point. They aren’t in your life to be a mentor or coach along the way; they are, above all things, a place where you will no longer be lonely.

Of all the tools necessary in the toolbox of manhood and all the virtues worthy of striving for, friendship is perhaps the most crucial and often overlooked. Having a friend may sound like a casual luxury until the day it becomes a necessity. You will need a friend, you will need to take off your mask, and you will need to laugh, cry, and cuss in the presence of a true friend.

Trust me, my son. Investing in friendship, whatever its cost, will be worth it.

Love, Dad.