I realize that bringing up a topic in order to say that you shouldn’t bring up that topic has to be some sort of logical fallacy. I know it’s a “hasty generalization” fallacy for me to tell you that if your favorite news outlet has been covering Harry and Meghan you should probably unsubscribe from it or delete the channel. Someone who thinks you should care about a couple of royal-blooded, filthy rich crybabies doesn’t deserve your attention, let alone your money. To quote the great Jim Gaffigan, “That’s not even our gossip!”
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, blessed are you—stop now and go about your day in bliss.
For the rest of you psychos: this week the increasingly controversial and wannabe actress Duchess of Sussex and her fratricidal beta-male husband Harry went on Oprah to trash talk their family (again). They said …
Yeah, I can’t do it. I’m sorry. I just don’t care. I don’t care! I searched the internet for about three minutes, saw someone talk about how everyone is racist, and stopped. I found exactly what I want you to realize: it doesn’t matter. Meghan is a literal princess worth dozens of millions of dollars and she wants to lecture me on privilege? Please, oh please, let me make another cuppa Earl Grey and hang on your every word. Ah, shoot, I can’t—I dumped all my tea in Boston Harbor a couple centuries ago.
None of it matters, people. None of it. Harry and Meghan shouldn’t matter to you. Oprah shouldn’t matter to you. The queen of England shouldn’t matter to you. Any human being who’s job it is to simply exist (the monarchy) shouldn’t have any affect on your life. For that matter, anyone whose job it is to play dress-up and repeat things that someone told them to say (an actor) does not by that fact have the wisdom of the ages. Celebrities are not, and never have been, the moral arbiters of civilization. The word “hypocrite” literally originated with the Greek theatre and defined an actor—someone who pretends to be someone else. None of their opinions should matter to you. It’s more important to know the name of Michael Jackson’s pet monkey (it’s Bubbles) than what Meghan and Harry think about literally anything. I wish you well, I pray God grant you faith toward Jesus and fervent love toward others. Now please stop talking and go away.
Here, let me just give you the formula of celebrity lecturing so that next time you can be aware of it. This is what I hear whenever someone famous for accomplishing absolutely nothing tries to share their great wisdom with me:
“Hello, I’m [name of celebrity]. I’ve never really worked a day in my life, and I made millions of dollars last year, but I understand the plight of everyone who struggles. I have been married and divorced twice, been in-and-out of rehab a few times, but I know better than you how to have good relationships, make good decisions, and be moral. You should listen to me. Also, even though I never really voted or cared about politics before 2016, I’m totally an expert now and [name of whatever conservative they hate today] is really bad and you should hate him/her/they/ze forever. Next time you’re working at your real job (or at home unable to work because “we’re all in this together”), follow my Twitter feed for daily tips on how to live your life. Oh, and please ignore it when I do the exact opposite of my advice. If you agree with me on everything, we will be “united.” If we don’t, you are a [something bad like a racist, a sexist … or some sort of “phobic”]. Thank you. And may the god I don’t actually believe in bless the country I hate but will never leave because its freedoms keeps my bank account filled.”